Reality BitesIt is amazing how you can think you have everything sorted and then--BAM!! Nothing is as it was. That is what God has been doing recently.
What seems like years ago I made the decision to apply to re-STINT. I was so confident in the decision. As time went by it still seemed like the right decision. That is until about a month ago. I hadn't heard about a team for this year and I really started missing home. I wasn't sure what to do about it. I didn't want to mess up the possibilities of the team for next year. The feelings just wouldn't go away. I didn't know what to do. I sent an email asking if they had any more information and the answer was no. This was making me feel uneasy about this year. A friend told me she had been having these feelings that there was something I needed to come home; there was something I needed to be in the states for. I had prayed the night before that God would direct me in what to do next. That basically verified that I should at least let people know how I was feeling. What to do next? Who do I tell this to? I decided to wait a few days and I got an email from my Company. They wanted to talk.
It turns out there is no STINT team to come to Edinburgh next year. I have three options
1) Come back and be part of the national team. That would mean being the only American on a British Staff team but being on STINT. I am not sure about that one. STINT is a team activity. I do love the British staff and know I would be well supported and have amazing friends on staff here, but I came to Scotland on a STINT team.
2) Go back and work with the regional team. There are a few possibilities there, waiting to hear back. I could use my degree and do some HR work, possibly even recruiting.
3) Intern at Fresno State. Along with working with Crusade one of the staff members is also encouraging me to stay involved with the ADX girls. This is where I got a lot of my passion for God, where I felt lead to go into missions, where I started taking my relationship with God seriously. It was my home for the last six years. I practically lived at Fresno State.
So what do I want to do? I really don't know. I think God had been preparing me to go back to the states next year. When I talked to my coach I think I would have been a lot more shocked if there was a team than the fact that there isn't one. No I have to decide. I love the area where the regional office is and I wanted to get my degree to use it in a ministry (and I thought Crusade). I still would love to help people at Fresno State get a passion for Scotland. They are still trying to set up a partnership.
I love being out in the field, but I also really love the administrative work. Anyone want to tell m e which one I should do??
My Computer crashed!! No bueno :( Hopefully I will be able to get things back. Help will be here tomorrow.
QuizToday I:
Unclogged the kitchen drain
had a not so quiet quiet time at Starbucks
Never put make-up on
had a conversation with my company about what next year holds for me
enjoyed an evening in
prayed a lot
played some nintendo 64
It was nice to relax for most of the day. Hope everyone else had a good Friday.
Point the WayI went to the induction service of the new pastor for the church I attend. Everyone is so excited for what he is going to do, so am I.
This service really touched me. In the last few weeks I have been pretty confused. I think this not knowing has really lead me to doubt and question a lot. I have also been missing home a lot (7 months is a long time). So, with the two of those combined (oh yeah, and the fact that it is still freezing here. I could handle it being cold in the winter, but isn’t it time to be warm?) I have doubted if I should really come back next year. Had I really felt God leading me to my decision? I was so sure of it way back in December. What if due to them not knowing the team situation means I should not be here. Would I really want to go to a new city next year after getting to know everyone here? Not knowing can really make the what ifs run through your mind.
What I really know is that I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to go where He sends me. I want to be available to Him.
Today, during the service these words were on the screen:
I looked: I saw an immense dust storm come from the north, an immense cloud with lightning flashing from it, a huge ball of fire glowing like bronze. Within the fire were what looked like four creatures vibrant with life. Each had the form of a human being, but each also had four faces and four wings. Their legs were as sturdy and straight as columns, but their feet were hoofed like those of a calf and sparkled from the fire like burnished bronze. On all four sides under their wings they had human hands. All four had both faces and wings, with the wings touching one another. They turned neither one way nor the other;
they went straight forward.
Their faces looked like this: In front a human face, on the right side the face of a lion, on the left the face of an ox, and in back the face of an eagle. So much for the faces. The wings were spread out with the tips of one pair touching the creature on either side; the other pair of wings covered its body. Each creature went straight ahead.
Wherever the spirit went, they went. They didn't turn as they went.
The four creatures looked like a blazing fire, or like fiery torches. Tongues of fire shot back and forth between the creatures, and out of the fire, bolts of lightning. The creatures flashed back and forth like strikes of lightning.
As I watched the four creatures, I saw something that looked like a wheel on the ground beside each of the four-faced creatures. This is what the wheels looked like: They were identical wheels, sparkling like diamonds in the sun. It looked like they were wheels within wheels, like a gyroscope.
They went in any one of the four directions they faced, but straight, not veering off. The rims were immense, circled with eyes. When the living creatures went, the wheels went; when the living creatures lifted off, the wheels lifted off. Wherever the spirit went, they went, the wheels sticking right with them, for the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels. When the creatures went, the wheels went; when the creatures stopped, the wheels stopped; when the creatures lifted off, the wheels lifted off, because the spirit of the living creatures was in the wheels.
Over the heads of the living creatures was something like a dome, shimmering like a sky full of cut glass, vaulted over their heads. Under the dome one set of wings was extended toward the others, with another set of wings covering their bodies. When they moved I heard their wings--it was like the roar of a great waterfall, like the voice of The Strong God, like the noise of a battlefield. When they stopped, they folded their wings.
And then, as they stood with folded wings, there was a voice from above the dome over their heads. Above the dome there was something that looked like a throne, sky-blue like a sapphire, with a humanlike figure towering above the throne. From what I could see, from the waist up he looked like burnished bronze and from the waist down like a blazing fire. Brightness everywhere! The way a rainbow springs out of the sky on a rainy day--that's what it was like. It turned out to be the Glory of GOD!When I saw all this, I fell to my knees, my face to the ground. Then I heard a voice.
Ezekiel 1:4-28 (The Message)
They went straight ahead, not veering off. Wherever the Spirit went, they went. This was the Glory of God!! That passage really struck me. It was combined with some amazing music. It really got me thinking. I need to only believe in what is real and true. Not lies.
The sermon when on to chapters two and three of Ezekiel. Read them, they have some awesome things to say about:
The Importance of our Call and
The Importance of Obedience to God.
I am still running this all through my head. But I know He will take care of it all. He always has and always will. I am less confused now.
Only He should be drivingToday I have been feeling a bit blah, not sure why. I went to the Word, and as always I am amazed by Him.
This is from the Message
Give Away Your LifeBut it’s trouble ahead if you think you have it made.
What you have is all you’ll ever get.
And it’s trouble ahead if you are satisfied with yourself.
Your self will not satisfy you long.
And it’s trouble ahead if you think life’s all fun and games.
There’s suffering to be met, and you’re going to meet it.
“There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others; saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them.
Luke 6:24-26
How much do I live for the approval of others? I am a people please. It really does make me happy to have those around me happy, but do I do it at the sake of my own happiness?? I hope not.
I don’t think often enough about how I am doing. When people ask I always say good. It seems like they are just asking what you are suppose to ask. How am I doing? I will ask myself this.
“It is necessary that the Son of Man proceed to an ordeal of suffering, be tried and found guilty by the religious leaders, high priests, and religion scholars, be killed, and on the third day be raised alive.”
Then He told them what they could expect for themselves, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering, embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?
Luke 9:23-27
What good would it be to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What if we could have everything we wanted in the world, but to lose who we really are? Who are we, but children of God. As His children we need to let Him lead. Total surrender. I need to remind myself of this every day, each and every day!
"Here i am before you now
I'm like a child reaching out
Here i am i'm giving all i can
Breaking my pride I feel i'm through
Shattered inside i run to you
And now i give it all to you
Take my life take my mind
take my soul take my will
I am yours now, and i give it all to you
Laying all down before my king
Offering all my everything
Laying all down before the one I serve
I can understand the reasons why
You came on this earth and died
And now i give it all to you
I can feel you on my shoulder
So I know that you are there
I can see you paint my picture
The beauty is all there"
Take my Life by Jeremy Camp
Not handling disorder and unknowns very well right now.
Errgggg!!! I thought I was ok, but all the sudden I looked around our living room at the mess and it made me want to clean like crazy. I have been known to go into OCD cleaning mode before. Then I was thinking about what I know of next year-- basically nothing. I feel on the inside not knowing is like the mess of our living room. I know what ever He wants will happen, but can't I find out what that is?
For those of you who don't know what I am ranting about- I have applied to come back for another year, but there are many unknowns. We don't know what the team will be like, where we will be. So I don't know where I will live, or who I will work with. We need to let people know about this flat, and I can't tell them anything until they know about the team. That may mean losing an amazing flat.
It is all in His hands. Father, I hand this over to you. Don't let me worry, I know it doesn't add a day to my life.
In other news- I was so excited today when I finished my workout video with no problems at all. I had done this a couple times, and found it difficult to keep up, but today no problems!! So excited!
I should go to sleep, things are always worse after midnight.
Memories of a Lifetime
Friends are the variety of life. They add so much to life. I love my friends. This year has made me realize how much I love you guys. No matter how far apart we are, we are close in each other's hearts. You all mean so much to me, I miss you and think of you often!
The last two weeks I have been able to hang out with friends from the states. That was so much fun!! It was hard to see them leave.
I will be enjoying some sleep now.
In the last week this is what I have done!
I have been to:
England
Scotland
Ireland
by: Plane, train, automobile
..bus, boat, taxi.
We went to the Royal Yacht Britannia, The Palace of Holyroodhouse and Edinburgh Castle. In Ireland we visited Trinity College and so much more. We then took a tour of the Highlands and went to Loch Ness and looked for Nessie, no luck. It was a beautiful trip. Now they are all gone and I am here. But, this is where I live and I love it!
Lots to do when you are on vacationThat last few days have been fun, but crazy. We have seen everything Royal in Edinburgh. The pics below are from me playing around with a digital camera.
So we leave in like 6 hours for Dublin, Ireland and I can't sleep. I never can sleep when I have an early flight. I hope writing this will make me sleepy.
On Friday we are taking a tour of Loche Ness (to look for the monster) and the Highlands of Scotland. Last weekend I was in England. Wow, a lot of traveling lately. Jen and Kristin head out on Saturday, I hope to sleep then. I will keep taking pictures and post more when we are back. Until then enjoy what I have posted!
Celtic Cross
who's that hot mamma!?
Jen
Me playing with the camera
They are much happier here!
They were happy, just a little on the cold side. I would like to appolagize to both of them for not putting a better picture up. Here they are very HAPPY to be in Scotaland learning all about this wonderful place and spending time with ME :)
we toured the Royal Yacht. Here I am ringing the bell. All aboard!
It was so pretty out today and this is how Jen and Kristin bundled up!
